(I’ve always imagined that’s how our conversation would start if we ever had a chance to talk). Hey…. It’s such an interesting word isn’t it, means so much but says nothing at all.
It’s been 18 years since you left this world. 18 years today since the last time I spoke to you. I was 6 then, I’m 24 now!
I’ve never been that person who celebrates anniversaries, I celebrate my birthday but because you decided to have me in January I never really go big so even that isn’t my thing.
The 14th of August usually goes past without me even noticing, mainly because it’s a day I would rather not remember. I mean what’s the point right, it doesn’t change anything at all.
This year has been different, though, mainly because I’ve had a pretty tough year emotionally and as a result, I’ve thought about you more than I ever have in the past 18years. I’ve been told you shouldn’t miss the dead or wish they were in your life because you stop their souls from resting.
So I’ve decided instead of missing you, I figured I would have a conversation with you.
First and foremost, I would like you to know we turned out okay, great actually (lol, look at me toot my own horn).
18 years have gone by and for the most past, I’ve been angry at you. Not all the time, though, it comes in waves. It comes on those days that I see mum struggle to make things happen for Isaac and me. On the days she is so exhausted and stressed from trying to make sure Isaac and I have what we need.
I get angry because you gave up. You should have fought to stay with us for longer, you should have had a conversation with your God and explained to him that you had two young kids who needed you.
Now that I’m older I have a few things I want you to know.
I want you to know that I forgive you, I forgive you for leaving us behind. For being born to a family of people who couldn’t be bothered to care. A family that doesn’t understand the power of love. You should have done better. You were the older sibling you should have taught them better. You should have taught them how to care, taught them to love.
I get so angry that they had your memorial without us, they planned it (can you imagine, they planned and gave us a date for it, I will never forgive them for that) and invited that like we were strangers. I get angry because I blame you, had you showed them just how important we were they would have never been able to do that to us. I mean if I was your princess like I’ve always believed and if I was the most important thing to you. How dare they??? How could they do that to Me, Margaret and Isaac
I’ve never lit a candle in your memory because they robbed me of that. They robbed me of the chance to truly grieve. From the moment you left us, they made it a point to show mum just how much they hated her and as far as I was concerned it meant they hated me too. They came you know, to get all furniture had you not chosen a fighter Isaac and I would have been left in the dust. I mean how they???
You should have been here to teach me how to be loved, to teach me about boys and how a princess is meant to be treated. I am angry about the horrible memories you’ve left me but I want you to know I forgive you.
Why do I forgive you, I forgive you because you chose well! You made an amazing choice to raise a family with Margaret. She is all woman and Dad you chose well.
She is the strongest woman I’ve ever known. She loves us, she’s worked hard to make us the best versions of ourselves.
You would be proud; you should see Isaac. He turns 20 in 15 days and he’s turned out well. He is such a man, more man than he probably would have been had you been alive. He loves dearly, he is sweet, confident, loving and strong.
He takes care of mum and me, we have our knight and shining armour. I never have to worry, I have someone in the world who loves me right, who cares about me and how I am.
So for leaving me with two AMAZING HUMANS who love me more than life itself I thank you.
Rest in Peace.
Rest in Peace.
Thank you for choosing well and I forgive you!