COFFEE TALK : A PLETHORA OF EMOTIONS AND INNER MONOLOGUES

Morning NKB Family, 

I haven’t been sticking to my schedule and I am sorry. I will explain why at the end. For some odd reason the beginning of the year is always difficult for me. I remember reading THIS IS ESS a while back and she speaks about how she had an emotional break down and how it seems to always happen mid year for her. The post spoke to me because like her I go through the same thing at the beginning of every year.Get a cup of coffee, get comfortable and lets chat! This is deep.

Its like an overwhelming surge of sadness, disappointment, exhaustion and God knows what else. I think its because my birthday is in January and with every added year I realize how far behind my life is. 

I feel veklempt to the point of exhaustion. Its so overwhelming its like I see disappointment and judgement in the eyes of those I love the most, its terrible I know because its not them its me . My own emotions are reflected in their eyes and sometimes I am unsure how to move past it. My thoughts are like a soundtrack on shuffle running commentary on how much I suck and should be doing better. Its so loud it makes it difficult to sleep because its like every passing moment is a moment wasted. 

I’ve been working on figuring out why its this way and I now know why. Its because on a daily basis we fight countless battles,. We fight our own expectations, our fears, the expectations of others, racism, sexism, poverty, hunger. I could go on and on and sometimes we don’t realize just how tiring this is. 

I think I’ve worked past my “I’m old and I haven’t achieved anything tangible’ phase. I’ve cried about it, I’ve been frustrated enough by it and I’ve made a decision and its been working for me thus far so I want to share with you all so that when the day comes when the load becomes to much to bear you know how to pick yourself up and move on. 

I have come up with 5 things I will do to remind myself that my time will come, that its all par of learning and that’s what life is about. Its got its ups and down. Even when the down seem lto come around more often than the UPS. 

♥ I WILL BE RESILIENT. 

Because resiliency isn’t just about having tough skin, it’s also about self-compassion during those times when we respond less than optimally. I have come to the realization that its important to cut myself some slack. I should treat myself with kindness and be hopeful. The same advice I would give someone I should give mine. 

♥ I WILL CHALLENGE IT 

I will use the catch phrase “catch it, challenge it and change it”, which mean I have to catch every negative thought about myself as soon as I think it. I have to challenge the way I feel and change the things I tend to feel negatively about. 

♥ I WILL LABEL MY FEELINGS 

I am weird, I am horrible at understanding some of my feelings, which is probably why I am better at writing about them than talking about them. I’ve discovered understanding what I am feeling helps me hit the brakes on my emotional responses. Am I feeling angry, am I feeling sad or Am i feeling fatigued. Figuring this out helps me work through it. #self awareness is key 

♥ I WILL USE AFFIRMATIONS 

Affirmations are not magical, they just help me look at the bigger picture as opposed to looking at he one corner that stained. 

♥ I WILL HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE

Holding myself accountable means figuring out why it is that I failed at something and changing it. What is it that I am doing wrong and finally I am going to work my butt off at the things that I am doing. 

I’ve been working at it and its working. I pray on the days you are feeling low you remember to be kind and to believe in a little bit of magic in your life. 

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Love