It’s been one HELL of a weekend for me, I hope your weekend was better. When I was at Rhodes my friends (miss them dearly) and I used to have a saying for when varsity life got tough. You know those days when you’ve missed a deadline, still have 3 assignments due and a 2 tests and you know nothing ? It’s like you haven’t been in school this whole time. Yes those horrible horrible weeks ?
It wasn’t a saying we came up with or anything, no, its something we chose to use because it was fitting. The saying was, “Just Bob and Weave, Just Bob and Weave”. The reason we used this saying was cause at that time, during those weeks or months, Life is just throwing jabs and the only way to survive is to bob and weave and tire life out. Bend you head, say a prayer and weather the storm you know !!
Well that’s been me for the past couple of days or weeks. Life has been throwing punches and I’ve been bobbing and weaving. Surviving!! The thing about bobbing and weaving is you tire too, emotionally and physically you tire too. I was there already, I was tired, feeling the losses, surviving because I was doing my best to cherish and hold on to the small wins and keep going.
and then life finally landed a punch,
On Friday at around 1900 hours some man in a black hoodie broke into my apartment whilst I was sleeping ( I had fallen asleep whilst sitting on my bed reading messages and catching up on emails). and I walk to find him looming over my bed. Do you know how terrifying it is to feel a chill run down your spine whilst you’re asleep and as you open your eyes and something starts taking shape and you realize its someone you don’t know standing less that 30cm’s away from your head.
I felt paralyzed by fear, I felt this overwhelming need to survive, I didn’t know what time it was, I just knew I was in the dark, I didn’t know what he was going to do to me, what he had with him, I didn’t know if he was alone. All I knew was my life depended on the actions I was going to take in that very moment.
I remember screaming so loud, I remember the fear in my voice, I remember feeling vulnerable and alone. I guess he didn’t expect me to wake up so he ran out of the apartment ( but not before picking up my brand new iPhone 6s , assh%le). I remember running towards the door behind him, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t so I could catch him, nope !!! It was so I could get help !!!! I opened my windows coz they have alarms and I just kept screaming. Then my neighbors came down but they were long gone.
I realize now that home invasion seems like a tad of an exaggeration which it is I suppose but I want to explain to you why even though a violent crime didn’t happen, I don’t feel that way.
Every time someone says thank God you’re alive all i can think off is the fear I am currently living with too. I am not haunted by his face, I am haunted by my own screams, the fear that I felt in those moments is still very much a part of me. I can’t seem to be able to shake it off. My bedroom is my sanctuary, a place I come hide from the world when I am losing, its my safe place and this guy just took it from me. I can’t hide in here anymore. Anything could have happen and in those seconds I played it all out in my head (fear does that to me).
If you’re expecting a wise word from me today I don’t have that. You guys are my friends and therapists too, lol. So lets take this as a diary session. I am finally putting my words on a paper which is progress because most of this weekend all that’s been talking are my eyes
Sometimes crying is the only way your mind speaks when your mouth can’t explain how broken your heart is”
I cried so much yesterday I swear I thought my mum could feel it. I felt like the people who were being rude, difficult or mean were just kicking me when I was down and because I’m a “G” a lot of the time, when I finally cry about one thing I end up crying about everything that’s wrong. I’m not talking about an hour-long cry, I am talking a strong maybe 6 hours. When you just hold yourself and cry and now I think I am okay. I feel different like the weight is off my shoulders.
I am ready to set up alarms, register for martial arts and continue with life. I am still a bit on edge for instance on Saturday night I almost got up to go sit by the door so I could see them coming, at least I would be able to hide under my bed and call 112.
After crying so much and popping a painkiller for the obvious head ache I slept (which is a relief because from Friday I had managed to sleep a maximum of two hours). I slept at 2200hrs and I woke up this morning smiles I think it was my mind’s way of saying “you’ve suffered enough, just shut down”
I want to thank God for my life and hope that soon I’ll be back to my relaxed self who doesn’t jump when she sees shadows.
Thank you for listening. Enjoy your Monday. I’ll be back to blogging today coz I know it will help take my mind off this crap.
If you want to reach me then snapchat – miriam_mich, facebook or emails. I don’t have a phone.